the year 2008 will soon wrap it's bag and will bid goodbye to us all. on the last day of this year when i look back, i seriously feel like as if things were too fast for me to even realise that i have matured one more year.
this was the year which i would surely say i will remember all through my life. it had made me something what i really cannot put into words right now. things were too fast and i too was going fastly. this was the year in which i dreamt a lot, a hell lot. and even saw my most revered dreams slipping away the canvas of reality. i learnt to grow and to get up again and to walk. hmm to mull more i had my first serious crush this year and for whom finally, i realised that it was nothing more than an imbecile act to get attached with, but as i said i learnt, so i love that part too of this year. i saw how much people around me cared for me and this actually made me indebted to them forever. few people whom i never expected to be there on my guard to support me during my blue . i truly want to mention them, though knowing the fact that they might not ever see their names flashing here but they truly deserve a mention(i dunno why m writing this, for there are not many to read. but all i know is that somewhere i wanna mention it), so here i go.
manish bhaiya, well he is my inspiration, my mentor and everything. he had been the one who made an incessantly crying fool quiet and filled her with hopes to walk, who beside making her walk also told her that to fumble is not the sign of a weak but of a long race runner.
ravindra bhaiya, he doesn't know it, but in just one call he made me realised that the ultimate goal of life is to be happy no matter what happens. and yeah, no matter what, i will be happy and i will always be and will try to make others also happy.
manorathan, he is my net friend, but he is more than my any real friend. he was the one to whom i knew after spilling the things out of my head i will be relieved and so was i and i think he knew when exactly, so not mentioning the exact thing.
my real brother, he is like my ultimate support. my crying shoulder, a wall to lean and to forget that there every were worries of any kind.
amrita ma'am, my school teacher who had always supported me and has showed her belief in me. a part of me will always be bowed in respect for her.
well it's just a little list that i am putting up here, but in life you meet many people, who all are a part of your influence, be it big or small, you learn from them all. and so there are also many other people whom i met in the year 2008 and learnt a lot. so let me began again, aneesha and namrata, my two friends to whom i never thought i would learn. aneesha is a girl of grit and invisible courage. she know how to take and live through the time of ignominy. she is strength in herself. on the other hand namrata is a fun filled girl who showed me the beauty and happiness in little things, and girls i so very much love you. thanks for being with me.
preeti, a small girl, aged 7 who gathers litters from the street. see her smile and talk her and you will have your day. there are so many that i wish i could empty my heart for and all i wish is that they remain happy all through their lives and achieve what they want.
this year taught me a great deal and i pray that i carry it further with me.
some tumbles, some frowns
yet you made me smile
yet you made me stand tall
under the azure and the sun
some breaks, some fouls
yet you made me score
in the goal of life
in the goal of experience
some doubts, some dark howls
yet you made me treasure the
beauty of reading a book under the grace of yellow threads
the beauty of the pearl rolling down, after toil
some laughs, some splashes
you taught me to pave when the going gets tuff
some gifts, some smiles
you taught me to instill wherever the chance laid bare
oh! dear you finally matured me
you let the woman walk out of the womb
oh! year you so steadily touched my heart
that my imbecility turned sagacious under you
i so very much loved you
oh! you the pallet of experience and joy
thank you!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
They say that they fight for peace. They say ‘peace’ and yet they fight, I thought as an onlooker passing a slight comment, after feeling an overflowing feeling of disgust trickling down my cup.
‘I am fighting down my way to fetch some sort of simplicity out of this so tangled complex world. I am fighting down my way to grab some peace for me. I am trying to get myself out of this so screechy world and above all I’m fighting to search some answers within me, right inside me to the questions irking me from long time. Yeah! I am fighting. I am fighting for peace.
Though my physical appearance is not marred and charred, my soul at some places is. Though I don’t sit in those deathly ghettos, yet my soul walks in dark lanes. Though the dawn doesn’t reveal the loss on my face, yet its glitter exposes the discomfort in me.
One day I felt like breaking the walls, letting the captive breathe the fresh air, letting it feel the change from cold, wet, darkly dungeons , to a bright winter sun. one day I felt like speaking my heart out, I felt like cursing, I felt like venting all my feelings in a violent act against all I held guilty, just to ease myself, to grab a moment of peace, if not a life.”
And then I heard someone saying, “You say ‘peace’ and yet you ‘fight’.”
‘I am fighting down my way to fetch some sort of simplicity out of this so tangled complex world. I am fighting down my way to grab some peace for me. I am trying to get myself out of this so screechy world and above all I’m fighting to search some answers within me, right inside me to the questions irking me from long time. Yeah! I am fighting. I am fighting for peace.
Though my physical appearance is not marred and charred, my soul at some places is. Though I don’t sit in those deathly ghettos, yet my soul walks in dark lanes. Though the dawn doesn’t reveal the loss on my face, yet its glitter exposes the discomfort in me.
One day I felt like breaking the walls, letting the captive breathe the fresh air, letting it feel the change from cold, wet, darkly dungeons , to a bright winter sun. one day I felt like speaking my heart out, I felt like cursing, I felt like venting all my feelings in a violent act against all I held guilty, just to ease myself, to grab a moment of peace, if not a life.”
And then I heard someone saying, “You say ‘peace’ and yet you ‘fight’.”
“Knowing you was no good, leaving you was no better.”
“Then what seemed apt to you?”, said it
“To never know you.”
“Why?” asked it.
‘to smell the pervasive aroma of a flower, blooming in an oblivion corner, and to wander with hopeful eyes to hold it someday or to smell a flower in hands only to know that it belonged to someone else’s garden. You say which is better of the two?” said I and turned a back to its howling.
“Then what seemed apt to you?”, said it
“To never know you.”
“Why?” asked it.
‘to smell the pervasive aroma of a flower, blooming in an oblivion corner, and to wander with hopeful eyes to hold it someday or to smell a flower in hands only to know that it belonged to someone else’s garden. You say which is better of the two?” said I and turned a back to its howling.
Sooner even the last memory will fade away. Sooner I know, ‘I’ and ‘you’ will be a part of the tangled mob for ‘you’ and ‘me’. Sooner, I know pain will recede down. Sooner, I know wind will stop whispering your name. Sooner, I know a path will be abandoned. Sooner I know, my gaze will withdraw and sooner the foot prints will fade. Sooner, I know the road once frequented will be covered with autumn leaves. And yes sooner, with this I will turn a back leaving behind a chimera, a dream for which closed eyes bleed once. But sooner, I know the last memory with its youth and charm will fade away. And sooner a restless cot will give way to an eternal bliss of sleep.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A little fact sometimes excites you out, that sometimes at the other end, the far end things are better, better than at your end. Something which is far but is an eye candy, a catharsis for you to see, and you dream to one day reach it, to grab it in your very hands, to just be able to feel it with it’s minutest details and grandeur, to be able to be one with it. This very idea leaves you dancing and jumping all the way through. Dreaming is itself an art, an art to which some people surrender beyond explanations and are often called as ‘mad’, ‘crazy’, lunatic’. It is this very fact which makes dreaming an art. An art to be studied and dwelt with precision, to be aware of it’s dose which is taken in. if in right amount, you are there as a winner and if an overdose reigns your nerves, here you are on a road side as a pauper with a paucity of pennies in the pocket. It is an art which teaches you about the perfect combination of living in present yet believing in the future, looking forward in such a way that you still manage to sneak in the details of your shoe right below your nose, or to look at your shoes and managing to see the bull standing at the road end.
I don’t know how to dream perfectly, am not a good student of this art. Although I am a great admirer of it, a student beyond explanations, a student who doesn’t know the limit up to which the reference books are used with the prescribed books. A student which is seen dwelling in the books even when the school gets over and this is horrendous for this very art for this art asks precision, even if you practice it very often. It punishes equally to the one who takes it in a lacking amount and to the one who takes it in overdose. So albeit, I am an ardent practitioner of it, I fail in it’s test. But since my failure arises due to an overdose, due to the swelling up of my nerves, with a blood group having an extra set of platelets beyond RBC and WBC, DMC, a hope pervades my very soul, which makes me dream, to one day achieve a passing certificate in this art. Or in other terms to achieve the required precision in it’s dose.
I don’t know how to dream perfectly, am not a good student of this art. Although I am a great admirer of it, a student beyond explanations, a student who doesn’t know the limit up to which the reference books are used with the prescribed books. A student which is seen dwelling in the books even when the school gets over and this is horrendous for this very art for this art asks precision, even if you practice it very often. It punishes equally to the one who takes it in a lacking amount and to the one who takes it in overdose. So albeit, I am an ardent practitioner of it, I fail in it’s test. But since my failure arises due to an overdose, due to the swelling up of my nerves, with a blood group having an extra set of platelets beyond RBC and WBC, DMC, a hope pervades my very soul, which makes me dream, to one day achieve a passing certificate in this art. Or in other terms to achieve the required precision in it’s dose.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
sometimes i wish that
you tell me that there ain't any hope anymore
that the cup no more seems to be half filled
it is empty, the fluid has evaporated
sometimes, i wish that the tears just freeze
to a dreary dry brook on my cheeks
sometimes i wish just sometimes
that when i stand in the cold
it doesn't excite me to run and to see the beautiful unknown
or when this wind strokes my hair
it doesn't blow me to an unceasing whirlpool of imaginations
sometimes i wish, i just stop walking with those seeking eyes
against a wall which is cliched 'never to end'
sometimes i wish, just sometimes to stop wandering and wondering
around those islands of hope I've created
'cause sometimes they all look illusory
as if awaiting nothing but a flutter of a page
the blow of a wind
the sudden crack of a dilapidated chair
to turn the tables
sometimes i wish to fall
and to lay down with the yellow bed of wilted leaves
all bare,all naked, all exposed
all still, all numb in the blinding day light
amidst the clamour of the town
'cause sometimes it's really hard to move on
it's really hard to wait with
those awfully hopeful eyes
it's really hard to utter 'i will'
'cause you want to break yourself down
in that moment of pain!
you tell me that there ain't any hope anymore
that the cup no more seems to be half filled
it is empty, the fluid has evaporated
sometimes, i wish that the tears just freeze
to a dreary dry brook on my cheeks
sometimes i wish just sometimes
that when i stand in the cold
it doesn't excite me to run and to see the beautiful unknown
or when this wind strokes my hair
it doesn't blow me to an unceasing whirlpool of imaginations
sometimes i wish, i just stop walking with those seeking eyes
against a wall which is cliched 'never to end'
sometimes i wish, just sometimes to stop wandering and wondering
around those islands of hope I've created
'cause sometimes they all look illusory
as if awaiting nothing but a flutter of a page
the blow of a wind
the sudden crack of a dilapidated chair
to turn the tables
sometimes i wish to fall
and to lay down with the yellow bed of wilted leaves
all bare,all naked, all exposed
all still, all numb in the blinding day light
amidst the clamour of the town
'cause sometimes it's really hard to move on
it's really hard to wait with
those awfully hopeful eyes
it's really hard to utter 'i will'
'cause you want to break yourself down
in that moment of pain!
disarray thoughts and a mulling mind
well...hello guys(i dunno when will i get the takers on the other end.....but its just the way how the words actually come fumbling out of my mouth when there really is an issue to be discussed by me)....see here i am doing nothing but blogging the thoughts that have stormed within my cranium which has actually pushed me into this direct lashing of my fingers against my keyboard and to type. how am i suppose to tell the sudden outburst of my so frequently visiting guests these days....yes...guests since i don't know if they are good but they are just occupying the space for a while and then moves away so guests.
i am all awake since 3 in the morning. and what i did?..well had to finish an assignment but the first thing first...i logged in to my orkut account checked something, read something and there! bang it!....what i read....it pushed me(i hold it guilty....as usually there need to be someone whom u can load your rantings on..no?)into my those sudden pangs of meditation, deep mulling sessions.all the time ilei was doing my articulate and meticulous engineering assignment , i was thinking nothing but puking all my thoughts onto the paper....it was a speeding of words inside my little cranium and my grey matter...well it was bubbling and why won't it....it was being fettered by nothing but a simple little...fucking(yeah...i know m going filthy)..shit of an assignment.
on the breakfast table i was saying my mom.."look i need to do something...someway...these thoughts are burning me.."..she asked me to relax n to be chill...yeah chill...well it is chill at 6:30 in the morning when u drive your activa....all shuddering and hearing the 'kit kit' of your teeth....and then parking it and strolling down to the exact location of the college bus stop...n sneaking out those really hot moments of sharing a space in front of those perishing newspaper articles into ashes....n see the words invigorating u even in their last moments...glorified death indeed!..but then suddenly u hear your bus honking right onto and just like a half obedient child looking disturbed and a bit infuriated on this disturbance and intrusion in your most revered times, you walk and figure out your seat and sit...u open a book of your taste "agony and ecstasy"...and just for one last second before diving into it look at the sun behind your closed window the one which u closed to save u from cold...and a child still without an under pant and running nose...and disheveled hair...and a dirty polly in his hands staring back at you and you as usual stoop down n read.....but these emotions, these thoughts, the ones which overpowered you right from the start of your day won't let you go so easily...you close the book and decides to observe the life...the living sketch of the almighty...."hmm so a little boy in red sweater waiting for his bus/a dog lying all dead in the middle of the road..no takers..."...n ohh this time the attack is severe...the white stretch of your lips...gone...and the lively animated eyes of yours are nothing but cold now...nothing but a lost dreary look visits it and settles there....and all of a sudden the life around you loses the meaning and on the second turn...you are standing juxtaposing the stagnation, the stillness, the tranquility , the human existence...you see the writings on the walls..."hindustani yunani store","papita,mosmi juice yahan milte hai"...the restlessness within u is asking for the significance, something it is not understanding out of the obvious....the obvious which is still oblivion to u..the simple things of life are under revolt within you..the questions are been asked the answers are being awaited....the state, yes the state with which i usually fight with, where i frantically long to run in an open field n to be one with and in this state my CW(co wanderer) doesn't share a seat beside me observing me but struggling horrendously with me in me , longing for the simplicity and hating the complexity(may be the reason why i hate the big mathematics equations n the very subject)..but you see there ain't any catharsis for me...i m back home but god damn it i haven't done my assignments as yet and now will sleep since am all whacked out...and will wake up again at 3 may be....(I'll have to, there is no escape...bloody sleepless college life.....lolzz...i m a forced insomniac...says my CW)
P.S. CW is my nameless, figureless buddy...i don't know what you call it but it's the one which never betrays me when it comes to listening me!!
i am all awake since 3 in the morning. and what i did?..well had to finish an assignment but the first thing first...i logged in to my orkut account checked something, read something and there! bang it!....what i read....it pushed me(i hold it guilty....as usually there need to be someone whom u can load your rantings on..no?)into my those sudden pangs of meditation, deep mulling sessions.all the time ilei was doing my articulate and meticulous engineering assignment , i was thinking nothing but puking all my thoughts onto the paper....it was a speeding of words inside my little cranium and my grey matter...well it was bubbling and why won't it....it was being fettered by nothing but a simple little...fucking(yeah...i know m going filthy)..shit of an assignment.
on the breakfast table i was saying my mom.."look i need to do something...someway...these thoughts are burning me.."..she asked me to relax n to be chill...yeah chill...well it is chill at 6:30 in the morning when u drive your activa....all shuddering and hearing the 'kit kit' of your teeth....and then parking it and strolling down to the exact location of the college bus stop...n sneaking out those really hot moments of sharing a space in front of those perishing newspaper articles into ashes....n see the words invigorating u even in their last moments...glorified death indeed!..but then suddenly u hear your bus honking right onto and just like a half obedient child looking disturbed and a bit infuriated on this disturbance and intrusion in your most revered times, you walk and figure out your seat and sit...u open a book of your taste "agony and ecstasy"...and just for one last second before diving into it look at the sun behind your closed window the one which u closed to save u from cold...and a child still without an under pant and running nose...and disheveled hair...and a dirty polly in his hands staring back at you and you as usual stoop down n read.....but these emotions, these thoughts, the ones which overpowered you right from the start of your day won't let you go so easily...you close the book and decides to observe the life...the living sketch of the almighty...."hmm so a little boy in red sweater waiting for his bus/a dog lying all dead in the middle of the road..no takers..."...n ohh this time the attack is severe...the white stretch of your lips...gone...and the lively animated eyes of yours are nothing but cold now...nothing but a lost dreary look visits it and settles there....and all of a sudden the life around you loses the meaning and on the second turn...you are standing juxtaposing the stagnation, the stillness, the tranquility , the human existence...you see the writings on the walls..."hindustani yunani store","papita,mosmi juice yahan milte hai"...the restlessness within u is asking for the significance, something it is not understanding out of the obvious....the obvious which is still oblivion to u..the simple things of life are under revolt within you..the questions are been asked the answers are being awaited....the state, yes the state with which i usually fight with, where i frantically long to run in an open field n to be one with and in this state my CW(co wanderer) doesn't share a seat beside me observing me but struggling horrendously with me in me , longing for the simplicity and hating the complexity(may be the reason why i hate the big mathematics equations n the very subject)..but you see there ain't any catharsis for me...i m back home but god damn it i haven't done my assignments as yet and now will sleep since am all whacked out...and will wake up again at 3 may be....(I'll have to, there is no escape...bloody sleepless college life.....lolzz...i m a forced insomniac...says my CW)
P.S. CW is my nameless, figureless buddy...i don't know what you call it but it's the one which never betrays me when it comes to listening me!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
there you are there!
There is this dream that am dreaming
And where you float as an unknown entity
Hey there you are there!1
With me holding my hand
in the background of that yellow husk
And the dancing tress
You are there with me holding my hand
And I resting my head o’er your shoulder
In the coziness of the December winter
Watching an open theatre
Hey there you are there!
In the crinkling sound of my laughter
And the shine in my pupil
Hey there you are there!
In the silent white stretch of my lips
Hey there you are there!
In my falling locks, in the wind brushing my hair
And sending a sense of parchment on my cheeks
Hey there you are there!
Within me oh! You are here right here
Holding the sorrows of my soul
And the brightness of my happiness
Hey there you are there!
For whom I waited so long
Hey look! am approaching you
With the numb moistened feet
Leaving a trail on the floor
In the dark sheets of this prickly night
Hey there you are there
In my long waits and anguish
Hey there you are there!
In my sighs and long dejected breath
Hey there you are there!
In my dreamy eyes and in my lethargic moves
On a languid afternoon
Hey there you are there!
In those fields where I long to run
N be one with along with the azure high above
Hey there you are there!
Right inside me
You travel with me and breathe with me
You feast with me
You dance with me
You live the parallel life with my revered characters of the stories
Hey there you are there!
In my frowns and in my tumbles
In my determination and in my sweat
In my salty rivers and pools of hope
Hey there you are there!
You my nameless co wanderer
Hey c’mon we will live together
For I never found a mate as you
Who has pervaded even the slightest imagination
And trepidation haunting me
Hey there you are there!
You were always there
I never had to call you
I just looked within me and
hey!!
There you are…there!
And where you float as an unknown entity
Hey there you are there!1
With me holding my hand
in the background of that yellow husk
And the dancing tress
You are there with me holding my hand
And I resting my head o’er your shoulder
In the coziness of the December winter
Watching an open theatre
Hey there you are there!
In the crinkling sound of my laughter
And the shine in my pupil
Hey there you are there!
In the silent white stretch of my lips
Hey there you are there!
In my falling locks, in the wind brushing my hair
And sending a sense of parchment on my cheeks
Hey there you are there!
Within me oh! You are here right here
Holding the sorrows of my soul
And the brightness of my happiness
Hey there you are there!
For whom I waited so long
Hey look! am approaching you
With the numb moistened feet
Leaving a trail on the floor
In the dark sheets of this prickly night
Hey there you are there
In my long waits and anguish
Hey there you are there!
In my sighs and long dejected breath
Hey there you are there!
In my dreamy eyes and in my lethargic moves
On a languid afternoon
Hey there you are there!
In those fields where I long to run
N be one with along with the azure high above
Hey there you are there!
Right inside me
You travel with me and breathe with me
You feast with me
You dance with me
You live the parallel life with my revered characters of the stories
Hey there you are there!
In my frowns and in my tumbles
In my determination and in my sweat
In my salty rivers and pools of hope
Hey there you are there!
You my nameless co wanderer
Hey c’mon we will live together
For I never found a mate as you
Who has pervaded even the slightest imagination
And trepidation haunting me
Hey there you are there!
You were always there
I never had to call you
I just looked within me and
hey!!
There you are…there!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Yes this is me, sometimes my depression kills me out and sometimes I hail that depression takes me over. I was born with mistakes and then slowly was buttered with pride and then was adorned with arrogance and so I was lost in the pool of divine insecurity! When slowly I was exposed, I felt a burnt deep inside my then clinical heart and so it picked the litter around it, which it had created and ran to the dark allies when it was forced to look at the sun. my ego resting on my shoulder adjusted well there, in those dark allies so I ran, ran as I had not run in my life, I ran leaving behind all that, that was coming to expose me and so I ran, ran and ran and huffed. My eyes were vague now, they were fearful and were trembling, they were terrified and wanted to just switch off the vicinity. Dark ,dark, darkness was the virtue of my adorned arrogance and pride for I never saw myself being tittered into pieces, I was there all still, I was letting the wind surmount me, I was letting the tempest thrash me, I was, since, I was afraid to see my real self adorned with mistakes. I was afraid of being exposed!
Amidst all this all of a sudden my self woke up leaving behind my corpse. It tarried around for a while and silently watched the outside world. It saw a child falling down, after that my “self” closed it eyes and said wincingly, feeling a past pain, “ohh! So he fall that too just in the start of his venture!!, my poor child, I mercy upon you, I let my soul bleed for you, how can you just fall and stall all that in the beginning” and then my “self” opened his eyes and doubted what he saw, the child was laughing and giggling and then he again fall and again the child dusted away the mud on his pants, ran and laughed and disappeared in the crowd. My self questioned,” who gave him enough power to rise up against all odds, after all he is just a child, who after all?” and then my self walked a few more miles puzzling himself and then saw an ant, he laughed at it and said, “how small you are. Why do u toil so much all exposed in this sun?” the ant didn’t answer but went away leaving behind a trail “I’ll talk u later, don’t have much time to think on this.” And then again my self wondered, “How can such a small creature be so busy that it can’t even ponder on the size that she’s given by god? Isn’t she insecure?” My self was under the azure, under the sun, in middle of the wind in whose anger he wanted to thrash his corpse down. And then came the delight “ice-cream!” my self was approaching it with all hunger and then saw a girl with pity dressing being lambasted away by the seller, this time myself knew the girl will broke up, she will cry hard and this time my self will see a face similar to his corpse’s face. The girl exchanged envious look with the seller and moved away my self followed her forgetting the delight of that icy cream behind. What he saw was a splash of water thrown onto him and the girl said,” come on lets have fun in this water and have some icy moments of life, why to think of that wretched soul ,come on!” my self was startled and taken a back,” how can she be so delightful? She was tattered, she was insulted, she was incubated with a pain, known to my self as “insult”, and how is she so happy?”
My self ran again this time with tearful eyes of no terror but of agony, of pain saying why? Why did I let my corpse lay down in that dark ally and why didn’t I see the beauty resting for me under the azure? Why didn’t I let my bosom exposed to the sun, to bear its heat, why did I choose to laugh in the dark allies shadowing my arrogance? Why? My self stumbled and stood exhausted in front of my corpse. It was strange, my corpse for the first time exposed the innocence of the child to my self, showed how important was it to do the silly mistakes in its life, how important was it for it to laugh on every fall it received. And then the tear of redemption flowed down the cheeks of my “self” how a brazen tyrant was I on this innocent child in me, how brutally I hid it under a pretense of intelligence? How after every fall I punished it and made it cry for a mistake that was so obvious to be made? How? And then amidst that river of tears I saw the “ant” in it. It was so timid as a corpse and how did my self let it ponder on its size and killed it’s aspiration saying again and again “don’t move or here sheds this wrapper of pride that you behold, you will be exposed, better sit and enjoy the hoarding that you owe saying, “I’m perfect!” my self broke up,” why didn’t I let it try, why did I fail to realize that the way to grow is to fall, this earth holds the momentum of our success, the more we fall the higher we rise, so why did I let the fear seep into my corpse, the fear of being exposed, the fear of being laughed about, when this was actually it wanted, to “grow”.” My “self” cried and howled but the pain that it captured was a pain of no sound but heavy dark water shedding all the arrogance left in it. My “self” now saw the wounds it gave to my corpse, and a wound heavily carved in the heart of my corpse, the heart which stopped responding to my own self, my “self” knew the reason behind it for it was my “self” which betrayed it and killed all its desires and captivated it in a small chamber. My self has nothing for its retribution except the tears, the howls, and the pain that it suffered. It cried all sitting in front of my corpse. My corpse which was cold now, was bathed in the river flowing from the eyes of my self, was resting motionless as if a proud testimony of a god’s unknown will.
And then my self shifted itself and ran again, this time taking the corpse with itself and ran as fast as possible, it ran with a glow in its eyes, with a search, with an aim that gave it a smile, and my corpse shook itself and ran in tandem with my self, they both ran and ran and halted in front of that water splash where the girl called my “self” my self said to my corpse,” come on lets enjoy!! Lets enjoy the fun of making mistakes and getting exposed!1” and this time my corpse was lightened up and along with my “self” looked towards the ether and my once clinical heart said, “lets enjoy. Come on!!”
Amidst all this all of a sudden my self woke up leaving behind my corpse. It tarried around for a while and silently watched the outside world. It saw a child falling down, after that my “self” closed it eyes and said wincingly, feeling a past pain, “ohh! So he fall that too just in the start of his venture!!, my poor child, I mercy upon you, I let my soul bleed for you, how can you just fall and stall all that in the beginning” and then my “self” opened his eyes and doubted what he saw, the child was laughing and giggling and then he again fall and again the child dusted away the mud on his pants, ran and laughed and disappeared in the crowd. My self questioned,” who gave him enough power to rise up against all odds, after all he is just a child, who after all?” and then my self walked a few more miles puzzling himself and then saw an ant, he laughed at it and said, “how small you are. Why do u toil so much all exposed in this sun?” the ant didn’t answer but went away leaving behind a trail “I’ll talk u later, don’t have much time to think on this.” And then again my self wondered, “How can such a small creature be so busy that it can’t even ponder on the size that she’s given by god? Isn’t she insecure?” My self was under the azure, under the sun, in middle of the wind in whose anger he wanted to thrash his corpse down. And then came the delight “ice-cream!” my self was approaching it with all hunger and then saw a girl with pity dressing being lambasted away by the seller, this time myself knew the girl will broke up, she will cry hard and this time my self will see a face similar to his corpse’s face. The girl exchanged envious look with the seller and moved away my self followed her forgetting the delight of that icy cream behind. What he saw was a splash of water thrown onto him and the girl said,” come on lets have fun in this water and have some icy moments of life, why to think of that wretched soul ,come on!” my self was startled and taken a back,” how can she be so delightful? She was tattered, she was insulted, she was incubated with a pain, known to my self as “insult”, and how is she so happy?”
My self ran again this time with tearful eyes of no terror but of agony, of pain saying why? Why did I let my corpse lay down in that dark ally and why didn’t I see the beauty resting for me under the azure? Why didn’t I let my bosom exposed to the sun, to bear its heat, why did I choose to laugh in the dark allies shadowing my arrogance? Why? My self stumbled and stood exhausted in front of my corpse. It was strange, my corpse for the first time exposed the innocence of the child to my self, showed how important was it to do the silly mistakes in its life, how important was it for it to laugh on every fall it received. And then the tear of redemption flowed down the cheeks of my “self” how a brazen tyrant was I on this innocent child in me, how brutally I hid it under a pretense of intelligence? How after every fall I punished it and made it cry for a mistake that was so obvious to be made? How? And then amidst that river of tears I saw the “ant” in it. It was so timid as a corpse and how did my self let it ponder on its size and killed it’s aspiration saying again and again “don’t move or here sheds this wrapper of pride that you behold, you will be exposed, better sit and enjoy the hoarding that you owe saying, “I’m perfect!” my self broke up,” why didn’t I let it try, why did I fail to realize that the way to grow is to fall, this earth holds the momentum of our success, the more we fall the higher we rise, so why did I let the fear seep into my corpse, the fear of being exposed, the fear of being laughed about, when this was actually it wanted, to “grow”.” My “self” cried and howled but the pain that it captured was a pain of no sound but heavy dark water shedding all the arrogance left in it. My “self” now saw the wounds it gave to my corpse, and a wound heavily carved in the heart of my corpse, the heart which stopped responding to my own self, my “self” knew the reason behind it for it was my “self” which betrayed it and killed all its desires and captivated it in a small chamber. My self has nothing for its retribution except the tears, the howls, and the pain that it suffered. It cried all sitting in front of my corpse. My corpse which was cold now, was bathed in the river flowing from the eyes of my self, was resting motionless as if a proud testimony of a god’s unknown will.
And then my self shifted itself and ran again, this time taking the corpse with itself and ran as fast as possible, it ran with a glow in its eyes, with a search, with an aim that gave it a smile, and my corpse shook itself and ran in tandem with my self, they both ran and ran and halted in front of that water splash where the girl called my “self” my self said to my corpse,” come on lets enjoy!! Lets enjoy the fun of making mistakes and getting exposed!1” and this time my corpse was lightened up and along with my “self” looked towards the ether and my once clinical heart said, “lets enjoy. Come on!!”
Life is too short it’s what it seems
In a rickety bus, I sat and watched
Watched as I pass the life around me
It’s innocent, innocent in its nascent approach
For me, well I look like a Chinese puzzle
I wonder to be as simple as them
As nonchalant as them
I feel sometimes it’s good not to be hungry
People are made from dismal conditions
Drinking murky waters
And just thinking this I say, “yes”
But then a fear catches my throat
Fear of doubt of thinking
That may be I too would someday
Nothing but a blubbering fellow
But then I find myself at lost
I failed to make a decision, to stand
On what I believed
And today when my convictions has roared ‘gain
A tempest has empowered me
I see what the best that’s on stake is
It’s just not monetary concerns
It’s the mental distress I have awarded
To the one’s close to me
But I feel why after all I don’t have somebody to guide me out
Why all the time the ball is tossed into my court
Why am I given a choice and just not a chance
With a prescripted destiny, I am also tired and broken
‘cause no matter how many times I say
That I walk on the rubble of my dreams with hope
the walk is always painful
Everyday is like every step I make on a thorny bed
I feel like I am lost
And if not now
Will soon be lost
Lost in those dark allies
Where my innocence would betray me
And where I can’t sense my hunger
Not because it is sufficed but
‘casue it has accepted it’s food
In the shape of wide, void staring at me
In a rickety bus, I sat and watched
Watched as I pass the life around me
It’s innocent, innocent in its nascent approach
For me, well I look like a Chinese puzzle
I wonder to be as simple as them
As nonchalant as them
I feel sometimes it’s good not to be hungry
People are made from dismal conditions
Drinking murky waters
And just thinking this I say, “yes”
But then a fear catches my throat
Fear of doubt of thinking
That may be I too would someday
Nothing but a blubbering fellow
But then I find myself at lost
I failed to make a decision, to stand
On what I believed
And today when my convictions has roared ‘gain
A tempest has empowered me
I see what the best that’s on stake is
It’s just not monetary concerns
It’s the mental distress I have awarded
To the one’s close to me
But I feel why after all I don’t have somebody to guide me out
Why all the time the ball is tossed into my court
Why am I given a choice and just not a chance
With a prescripted destiny, I am also tired and broken
‘cause no matter how many times I say
That I walk on the rubble of my dreams with hope
the walk is always painful
Everyday is like every step I make on a thorny bed
I feel like I am lost
And if not now
Will soon be lost
Lost in those dark allies
Where my innocence would betray me
And where I can’t sense my hunger
Not because it is sufficed but
‘casue it has accepted it’s food
In the shape of wide, void staring at me
Here I stand, and stare
Stare and strain my eyes looking in the void
Front of me
I know the wind blowing around
Is touching me
But never do I feel the warmth that it carries
I m starting from the rubble of my dreams
The ones that I carried and kept close to me
Oh! The pain is there inside me
I close my eyes and wonder if I could escape
But”no” I’m here to stay
A voice thunders onto me
I stand, stare, and wait for it to reveal
The voice that I hear asks me to hold this pain
Right inside my bosom
It asks me to move on even when my feet bleed
It says to stick, even when the glue of my life betrays me
It says to stare in the void, even when darkness looms o’er me
“Yeah” I said to it, “I will”
‘Cause the rubble of my dreams ask me to “move on”
They say me to pay them back and to give them the life
I witnessed for them once, they ask me to breathe a new life
Into the dusting fumes that smother them
They say, “It’s not all over, it’s here to start”
They say, “c’mon now, you got a go a long way”
Then I say brimming all over
With a pearl trickling down my cheeks and shimmering with the word
“Yeah”
Stare and strain my eyes looking in the void
Front of me
I know the wind blowing around
Is touching me
But never do I feel the warmth that it carries
I m starting from the rubble of my dreams
The ones that I carried and kept close to me
Oh! The pain is there inside me
I close my eyes and wonder if I could escape
But”no” I’m here to stay
A voice thunders onto me
I stand, stare, and wait for it to reveal
The voice that I hear asks me to hold this pain
Right inside my bosom
It asks me to move on even when my feet bleed
It says to stick, even when the glue of my life betrays me
It says to stare in the void, even when darkness looms o’er me
“Yeah” I said to it, “I will”
‘Cause the rubble of my dreams ask me to “move on”
They say me to pay them back and to give them the life
I witnessed for them once, they ask me to breathe a new life
Into the dusting fumes that smother them
They say, “It’s not all over, it’s here to start”
They say, “c’mon now, you got a go a long way”
Then I say brimming all over
With a pearl trickling down my cheeks and shimmering with the word
“Yeah”
my agony(if it could deserve that word lolz)
To stand here, where I’ m standing now and to describe myself from a point where one can look at the picture frame as a viewer of the painting on the wall, might not be possible for me. For where I am now, more or else I see myself on a surfboard surfing against the waves of this living frame I am in.
From a point, where you see the perpetual flow of your dreams and then with a click, with a flip of a millisecond seeing nothing like your dreams and to see a picture entirely different, takes you time to reconcile and to be resilient. Well by all this I really did not mean to deplore the situation I am into for I said “reconcile and to be resilient.’
In fact, we start learning things. Learning from the things that, we do not bother before. We become more patient, more serious and more determined. Well, it is the glory of “jor ka jhatka, dheere se” kind of situations. Today when I walk, at least for this moment, my voice speaks to me in a more patient manner, in a more contented manner, in a happier manner and in a more determined manner to believe, to hope and to work harder once again for my dreams. Moreover, I have started observing life. The life which has surrounded me, but which I, as an arrogant, blinded and ignorant youth never witnessed before. I can see the extremely talented people being happy about their situation even though bearing the heat of financial betrayal in their hearts for their dreams. Yet the belief that they hold for their dreams, inspires me and tells me, falling is nothing but rising, obstacles are nothing but the steps to success. These are truly my inspirations for they give me strength and tell me that life is truly life only when its crude and u learn to sail through it, and it is then that I realize that there is nothing in observing something from standing outside it, just the way looking at a picture on a wall. To really feel the adventure and thrill of every stroke of the colour that is painted, you really need to plunge into it. You really need to be a colour itself on the paintbrush, you really need to feel the blow to know the actual price of the life that you dream of. and this is what my life, my little experience have taught me and I pray really hard that nothing takes away my this self realization from me. I do not want myself to lost in the glitz of fame, I want to stick myself to the land and aspire, aspire for the tomorrow brimming with the hues of my dreams.
I’ve few plans and projects right now that I am looking forward to. I aim of holding a b.tech degree and simultaneously a B.A in economics through correspondence and to write and to learn, everything and anything that I can from my little life and also to equally inspire and give people hope for their lives.
From a point, where you see the perpetual flow of your dreams and then with a click, with a flip of a millisecond seeing nothing like your dreams and to see a picture entirely different, takes you time to reconcile and to be resilient. Well by all this I really did not mean to deplore the situation I am into for I said “reconcile and to be resilient.’
In fact, we start learning things. Learning from the things that, we do not bother before. We become more patient, more serious and more determined. Well, it is the glory of “jor ka jhatka, dheere se” kind of situations. Today when I walk, at least for this moment, my voice speaks to me in a more patient manner, in a more contented manner, in a happier manner and in a more determined manner to believe, to hope and to work harder once again for my dreams. Moreover, I have started observing life. The life which has surrounded me, but which I, as an arrogant, blinded and ignorant youth never witnessed before. I can see the extremely talented people being happy about their situation even though bearing the heat of financial betrayal in their hearts for their dreams. Yet the belief that they hold for their dreams, inspires me and tells me, falling is nothing but rising, obstacles are nothing but the steps to success. These are truly my inspirations for they give me strength and tell me that life is truly life only when its crude and u learn to sail through it, and it is then that I realize that there is nothing in observing something from standing outside it, just the way looking at a picture on a wall. To really feel the adventure and thrill of every stroke of the colour that is painted, you really need to plunge into it. You really need to be a colour itself on the paintbrush, you really need to feel the blow to know the actual price of the life that you dream of. and this is what my life, my little experience have taught me and I pray really hard that nothing takes away my this self realization from me. I do not want myself to lost in the glitz of fame, I want to stick myself to the land and aspire, aspire for the tomorrow brimming with the hues of my dreams.
I’ve few plans and projects right now that I am looking forward to. I aim of holding a b.tech degree and simultaneously a B.A in economics through correspondence and to write and to learn, everything and anything that I can from my little life and also to equally inspire and give people hope for their lives.
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