That was a mystery, indeed riddled all the way. The dress was too short and her legs too long. Her hairs were very small and her hair-band too big to fit. Her face was too large and her eyes too tiny to spot. Her lips were crimson red and her face was powdered white. She walked awkwardly and looked amused to everything she saw on her way. She stumbled all the way and hit herself like a hundred times. She scratched her forehead and frowned when sun rays attacked her tiny eyes. In times alone, in the corner of a rickety bus which commuted people of disdain land, of forgone names, she took a seat torn from top to bottom and rested herself, Looked beyond the windows of the bus to see if something was a little perfect around. Sun was setting, birds were rushing to their homes and she was saturated in a moving bus. Her tiny eyes were too strained to know more imperfectness around so she closed them. But the lids were open and the fluid was out, it was dry; she realised in a moment. She looked beyond, the sun was gone. Inside the bus passengers were lost. She tried to sob but realise she had no voice inside. She got up and asked the conductor to halt the bus, which he said was since long.

Nothingness!

Was left in the corridor with the shadows of nothing, but nothingness. I looked through the corridor and saw not a movement; it was winter and yes cold. I looked to the footsteps which for a while were wandering here, they had all gone and all what was left was I, looking and wondering at this sudden feeling of being left with nothing. I in my reverie imagined you, the bustling of the autumn morning, the bright sky and yours smile and the feeling of being held closely. Now I feel orphan, orphan of the sweet heaven I once cherished. It all just slipped through my hands and I saw it slipping through my grip, how subtle the changes are I wondered. I today stand here as being nothing but an identity of past, a name of past which perhaps has now been long forgotten and buried in the pages which are long turned never to get back again. I in my lost glory struggle through these moments of nothingness to get all that was lost back and in my toil of every second I haven’t spent a time relishing the old days with a smile that pains the muscles of my jaw to bear it any longer and then I wonder in those flips of seconds will you again visit me to see me tethered and torn and un-glorified with a present blotted with nothingness?

doubts, hopes, doubts, hopes, a pendulum oscillating between the two extremes. life moving ahead.

The Wishful Yearnings

Oh! This heart and source of human yearning, I wish I could deceive you! Don’t know where I moved or aspired to move-the lane which my mind weaved as sacred, I now know nothing deceives you not even the camouflage of my so called poise and serenity. I know I m no better than your prowess of attaining me and filling me with desires. Though skeptical I still move and surrender, still ambiguous of what I said is virtue. I am blinded but is it all so normal and if it is that, then why my mind calls me deceived and despises the thing that you instilled? I am all withered and now weary of the commotions that u set inside, and how I wish to deceive you! The pain is like a dagger sowed inside me, the more I move the more I wince and so more I wish I could deceive you. You my lord just make me free of you and YOUR yearning for this mind of mine argues and says pain is how it all ends, and here you are painting the roses and glory! I wish I had beheld and posed a better deterrence but all I do is wish, wish to deceive you!

P.S don't know what exactly struck me, was it just plain flow of emotions after watching the movie 'chokher bali' or something else! hope it makes sense..:)

MY diary of EXPERIENCE

After walking through the twilight and leaving my shadow to the darkness when one night I will sit, I will write this, ask me no reason, no whys to suffice your curiosity just take that, that one day I was tired of walking and felt like strangled by some invisible intertwined self of mine. Some cobwebs that made my sight go hassled up and pushed me into a bamboozled state which made me sit like that. I was not howling, I was not crying I was just sitting silent looking at the droplets which had dried up on my cheeks and some on my fist, some on my desk and still some which remained intact to the book I kept my hand lingering onto. Everything had settled, everything, the things that triggered the flood were just under scrutiny after the wash. I was still and I let a push of wind play with my disheveled locks. One day I compared my ‘self’, my ‘hunger’ of coming first and every time finding myself at the last reserved rung for me. Time kept fleeting away from my hands and my grip over it getting loose, but still I thought to give it a push and let it pass to let me look at the void I made the things around me to create. Life is simple, but things were complicated and I kept oscillating between the two; life and things. They say be the first, the best or different and I didn’t know how to be any of it, I remained what I was for every time I did so I was restless to catch a bus bound to simplicity, things are complex. If only on the day when they asked me my opinion I had remained mum or had closed my eyes and had heard my heart which said to believe on simplicity and not on the complexity, I bet you, things would have become simple but alas! I silenced my heart and spoke and now do I regret? They say one should never have regrets and so I don’t have any regrets with the way I lead my life but still the very thought of regretting asks you to love you, to hold you even tighter and tell you that, ‘you are perfect’, so sometimes it’s even good to regret to love yourself again. If only I had known and realized murky water is the elixir to my road I am telling you I would have never asked you to imagine me like this but alas! You do imagine me like this and mourn for me, but the road is still open my dear friends and don’t imagine me any further, don’t imagine me as a stoop down lady, I am still agile and dexterous and I still dream and hope. But when I say that ‘if only I had known” mark that time for at that time this lady is not regretting but making a note in her diary of experience, but still when one night after the twilight you see me walking with unpredictable steps, take it for granted that I have loosened my grip on time and is just watching few things for me to note.

country woman has matured

Sitting the way, in a usual way , eyes close to dive into a surreal world, where the walls seem smothered with the beauty of the morning light, of the dew on grass, and then a woman paves her way, not sure if she has matured enough to be a woman or is she still a country girl. A girl, with oodles of laughter on her little face, with mischief sparkling in her eyes, a kitty holding the strength and hopes for once lifetime; a woman walked. She left a trail behind her, many jumped to follow her, others let a sigh and wished to stop her and clinch her in their tiny palms, alas! Wishes were wishes. Some were still who didn’t follow and didn’t wish they rather stood stolidly in her path, stopped her and interrogated her. “A country girl has matured” she answered, they looked back at her in awe, she smiled and moved away. She took the wind with her, leaves sang the song of glory, birds choired, and the rain perfumed her way. She walked and didn’t look back at the mob that followed. As she stooped, people raised eyes, but she, as an oblivion flower of north looked least bothered. And this even squeezed the last drop of curiosity left in the people around her. She was a ‘babe’ some said and joked, but not at her face, some just scoffed, but ‘country girl has matured’, she didn’t seem to oblige them. She was the centre of their afternoon talks, of their good night verses, she was she, she was the talk, she was a blaze, and she walked leaving behind a trail. Followers queued to be her followers, her disciples, but this woman didn’t speak, she seemed to be in a reverie, some said, a fool given the status of ‘miss buzz’, but her buzz was buzzing their consciousness of solitude, they were becoming she, with every sip of her. She was walking her way, with days passing by, nights turning darker, cats purring, dogs barking, torrents flooding, but her feet forgot the mark of ‘stop’. She walked leaving somersaulting people in curiosity.

Finally, the day came when the marathon came to a halt, and this was the day, when everyone thought that the secret would be unveiled, people thronged at the stopping place, with kids hanging at the side waist, urchins making the usual noise and so came the time when the woman spoke, ‘well, i was on my way” , saying this she shrugged and walked again leaving a trail behind, with people still left curious and buzzing all the while and there were some who realized that they still needed some time to mature!

P.S. the picture is the photograph named “Florence, Italy” by Ruth Orkin, which depicts a woman walking down the street facing a gauntlet of men whistling and gaping at her. Her eyes are cast down, terrified, as she clutches her shawl to her bare shoulder. though still, the woman in my text is not a terrified one but a matured and confident one(didn't get a better picture)

ending did fumble, but i hope the picture gives you the idea. else you can speculate!...:)

How long can u see her smiling
When you see that the road that she is treading
Is a dark drooping alley
That she soon would fade and will mingle in the dust of obscurity
She soon will forget to smile
And soon she would look back
With emptiness

How long can you?
Wondered my heart and then I saw her smile again
Saw the life brimming at her lips
Her eyes bubbling out the joy
Her cheers just rejuvenating even the slightest slumber

And then I asked myself
Was I wrong in what I perceived?
‘cause life was what mattered to her
And to live in present was her forte
Tomorrow as said was an unsolved mystery
She seemed least interested in
And then I shifted and blinked

I let my lips stretch and she said
Laughing all the way round
“love you!” and so did my heart.

P.S. the picture was taken for a different purpose, for a different piece of writing but finally it scribbled this way.

a little girl whose name i forgot soon after meeting her and sharing some laughters, but her pictures reminded me of her and so strange are the ways sometimes that soon after certain things you read something that leaves you stirred, i hope you might too see something in these lines

"it's a terrible thing to know that you gon be poor all yuh life, no matter how hard you work. you does stop trying after a time. people does see you so and call you lazy. but it ain laziness. it just that you just give up. you does kind of die inside...".......lines fom the novel, 'Brown Girl, Brownstones', by Paule Marshall

i just wish the little girl never give up.:)

the year 2008

the year 2008 will soon wrap it's bag and will bid goodbye to us all. on the last day of this year when i look back, i seriously feel like as if things were too fast for me to even realise that i have matured one more year.

this was the year which i would surely say i will remember all through my life. it had made me something what i really cannot put into words right now. things were too fast and i too was going fastly. this was the year in which i dreamt a lot, a hell lot. and even saw my most revered dreams slipping away the canvas of reality. i learnt to grow and to get up again and to walk. hmm to mull more i had my first serious crush this year and for whom finally, i realised that it was nothing more than an imbecile act to get attached with, but as i said i learnt, so i love that part too of this year. i saw how much people around me cared for me and this actually made me indebted to them forever. few people whom i never expected to be there on my guard to support me during my blue . i truly want to mention them, though knowing the fact that they might not ever see their names flashing here but they truly deserve a mention(i dunno why m writing this, for there are not many to read. but all i know is that somewhere i wanna mention it), so here i go.

manish bhaiya, well he is my inspiration, my mentor and everything. he had been the one who made an incessantly crying fool quiet and filled her with hopes to walk, who beside making her walk also told her that to fumble is not the sign of a weak but of a long race runner.

ravindra bhaiya, he doesn't know it, but in just one call he made me realised that the ultimate goal of life is to be happy no matter what happens. and yeah, no matter what, i will be happy and i will always be and will try to make others also happy.

manorathan, he is my net friend, but he is more than my any real friend. he was the one to whom i knew after spilling the things out of my head i will be relieved and so was i and i think he knew when exactly, so not mentioning the exact thing.

my real brother, he is like my ultimate support. my crying shoulder, a wall to lean and to forget that there every were worries of any kind.

amrita ma'am, my school teacher who had always supported me and has showed her belief in me. a part of me will always be bowed in respect for her.

well it's just a little list that i am putting up here, but in life you meet many people, who all are a part of your influence, be it big or small, you learn from them all. and so there are also many other people whom i met in the year 2008 and learnt a lot. so let me began again, aneesha and namrata, my two friends to whom i never thought i would learn. aneesha is a girl of grit and invisible courage. she know how to take and live through the time of ignominy. she is strength in herself. on the other hand namrata is a fun filled girl who showed me the beauty and happiness in little things, and girls i so very much love you. thanks for being with me.
preeti, a small girl, aged 7 who gathers litters from the street. see her smile and talk her and you will have your day. there are so many that i wish i could empty my heart for and all i wish is that they remain happy all through their lives and achieve what they want.

this year taught me a great deal and i pray that i carry it further with me.
some tumbles, some frowns
yet you made me smile
yet you made me stand tall
under the azure and the sun

some breaks, some fouls
yet you made me score
in the goal of life
in the goal of experience

some doubts, some dark howls
yet you made me treasure the
beauty of reading a book under the grace of yellow threads
the beauty of the pearl rolling down, after toil

some laughs, some splashes
you taught me to pave when the going gets tuff
some gifts, some smiles
you taught me to instill wherever the chance laid bare

oh! dear you finally matured me
you let the woman walk out of the womb
oh! year you so steadily touched my heart
that my imbecility turned sagacious under you

i so very much loved you
oh! you the pallet of experience and joy
thank you!!